Yesterday I had an ultrasound. I was 12-weeks-pregnant and was so excited to be able to see my little bundle on the monitor. I waited 17 years to have another child. After spending a few minutes getting poked and prodded, the ultrasound technician told me that she couldn’t see anything on the monitor except for an empty egg sac that looked like it was about 8-weeks-old. My heart sank. She indicated that a physician on staff would talk to me about my experience.
I am new to the area where I am living, and I have never found a doctor in any area where I have lived who wasn’t cold and clinical. The doctor I saw yesterday was completely different. He actually held my hand when he told me that I was not pregnant with a viable fetus. The condition I have is called a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage, and this condition occurs when an embryo abruptly dissipates or evacuates the womb, yet the placental tissue and egg sac remain. The body still thinks it is pregnant. The doctor indicated that the HcG levels would be checked in my blood and this would most likely point to the time when I would eventually miscarry fully. He recommended the process of watchful waiting, which would result either in a complete miscarriage or D&C. I could also be treated with a medication called Misitropol, which I guess has horrible side effects. Oddly enough, for the last month, my body still thought it was pregnant. My stomach has been growing, and I actually thought I felt fetal movement. I must say that some of my pregnancy symptoms for the most part did start dissipating a few days ago. For example, I had a sudden burst of energy after being extremely tired over the course of the last three months. My cravings ceased, and my food aversions have somewhat dissipated. I was able to eat eggs last week. However, many foods were and are still completely unpalatable. From an emotional experience, this is a very confusing and heart wrenching time.
I know I will miscarry; I just don’t know when. My doctor advised me that I should stay close to a hospital in case I need to get an emergency room. I understand that miscarriage can actually be a life threatening condition. My husband is with me and is remaining close in case an emergency occurs. I am also supposed to inform my doctor of my progress on Friday so that we can determine potential next steps.
This is a very difficult time, and I did share my experience with some family members yesterday. Reviews were mixed. I was upset by comments that were made, but I think it is difficult for most people to know what to say or how to say it. I created a list of comments that probably should be avoided and reasons why they should be avoided and comments that could be made instead to individuals experiencing this phenomenon.
1) “I have experienced the same thing, and you will be fine.” This comment should be avoided, because every miscarriage is different. Miscarriage occurs in roughly 600,000 women every year, and each of those 600,000 women has had a different experience. To say that you have experienced the same thing is potentially not true. Also, if someone shares their experience with you it would be better to say you are sorry for their loss and ask if there is anything you can do to help or support them. Just knowing that someone is close when the bleeding starts would be a big help, because the bleeding can be quite prolific and life threatening.
2) “Well it is probably a blessing in disguise, and you wouldn’t want to give birth to a defective baby.” This comment was actually made to me yesterday. This comment should be avoided, because a miscarriage is a loss. In May, I won’t have the baby I desperately wanted. The grief associated with that loss should be respected. I understand intellectually that there was probably something genetically wrong with the baby, but if someone shares something as deeply personal as this loss, I think it would be better to say you are sorry for their loss and respect their right to grieve. To hear that this event “was a blessing in disguise” was hurtful and unnecessary. It would have been so much better to hear, “I am sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?”
3) “Let me tell you all about my experience.” I know a woman who miscarried in her sixth month. The miscarriage at this point was a late miscarriage or premature delivery and was due to an incompetent cervix. Upon learning about the miscarriage, the woman’s mother-in-law indicated that she miscarried in her second month (a VERY different experience) 40-years-ago, and elaborated how painful it was, and didn’t listen to her daughter-in-law at all. The self-absorption in this instance was incomprehensible. I have to admit I am not telling anyone in my family circle about my own event, because I know I will hear stories like this. Right now, this event is about ME and not the other women in my family who want to share their experiences. Perhaps if I want to try again, I will want to hear those stories. I also know that before I was conceived my own mother miscarried. I realize that if she hadn’t miscarried, I would probably not be here to be sharing my own loss. Ironic.
4) “You will be able to try again later.” This comment should be avoided, because while going through the process of a miscarriage, the loss is difficult. I know that I began spending too much time looking at my growing belly in the mirror and lingering in the baby section in department stores dreaming about whether I would give birth to a boy or a girl. One minute I was pregnant, the next minute I wasn’t. A new reality set in. No stranger to loss, I understand that I need a bit of time to process this loss and the resulting grief. I think it would be helpful for others to be a little more sensitive during this difficult time.
5) “Well, you are too old to have another baby anyway.” This is probably the worst statement to make. I am 40-years-old. I know how old I am. I understand the risks associated with pregnancy over 40. However, my previous situation precluded me from being able to have a second child. I personally think that mothers my age bring a lot to motherhood, and I know for me personally, I will be a wonderful mother to another child. In fact, my body wants this pregnancy so bad; it is unwilling to give up the pregnancy when there is no baby there to support. I didn’t even know this was possible. I really wondered if I would be able to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy. I was one of the lucky women who got pregnant within one month of trying, and clearly my body is maintaining the pregnancy. So this is amazing to me, and a blessing, as well.
If you know someone who is experiencing or about to experience a miscarriage, this is a difficult time. The rollercoaster of first waiting to see my baby on the ultrasound and then the next rollercoaster of waiting for the bleeding to start is dizzying. It is easy for women who have never gone through this event to not fully understand, but this is not the time to be insensitive. Women going through this trauma, including myself, may need two different kinds of support from their loved ones. First, they may need something as simple as having someone call them to find out how they are doing. I have not really experienced this level of concern from people who knew that I was even pregnant. Second, and simultaneously women in the throes of miscarriage also may need others to respect their privacy. It depends on the woman and how she is feeling in the moment. Please just ask and be considerate during this sad and difficult time.
